Episode 209 – Making Friends with Stillness, Boredom and Courage with Suzanne Boots Knighton

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It's so important.

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So please, when you get out there and vote mark Stephan Abrams for Teton County School Board.

And what do I take away from reading and constantly learning quotes.

And I'm gonna share a quote with you today, which is, Inner stillness is the key to alter.

From Jared Brock, and today you are listening to episode number 209.

My guest today is a long time, Dear friend, Suzanne Boots Knighton.

Suzanne now goes by Boots.

You'll hear me call her Suzanne cuz she's Suzanne to me.

Suzanne is going to share with us what the past few years have been for her.

Everybody has a different experience in life.

Everyone has a different story, and I'm honored and delighted that Suzanne has taken the time to share with me and you what life has been like for her.

And I'm gonna pull a little segment out real quick because what she said is, she had to make friends with stillness, boredom, and courage.

She's gonna tell you all about it.

there are some parts of Suzanne's life that she didn't have a chance to share with us on the podcast.

So hopefully in the future, Suzanne and I will reconnect again, on the podcast.

We're definitely gonna reconnect and reignite our friendship.

But she is an author.

She's looking to publish a book, and also she's gotten into rollerblading.

And that's helping her do the rehab that she needs to do to reach the health goals where she wants to be and to just be free.

I, I know you're gonna love listening to Suzanne.

She'll inspire you, and I'm gonna turn it over to her now because it's Suzanne's story.

And thank you all for tuning.

Welcome to the Jackson Hole connection.

To have you sit down and speak with me today is joyful and.

This is making my day and my week right now, so thank you.

Thank you.

Same.

Yeah.

There, there could be some tears here, Suzanne, cuz it's been so many years that you and I have actually spoken and we've known each other for so many years.

but this is not about me.

This is about you.

This is you being able to tell your story and, we all moved here when we were so young and I'd love for you to share with people.

where did you grow up and, well, let's say where were you raised?

Because growing up is a whole nother conversation.

, Suzanne Boots Knighton: Yeah.

Just recently grown up and I'm You did.

I'm

still working.

, I'm still working on it.

How'd you land out here?

How'd you

make it?

Well, thanks to National Outdoor Leadership School, Nols.

I signed up for a backpacking trip when I was 19.

so I'm from North Carolina, that's where I was raised and on the coast.

And I signed up for this 28 day backpacking trip, Wyoming in the Wind River range.

And I had never hiked, I had never camped.

And this Southern Bell at the time, I was very Southern Bell.

I showed up to Lander, Wyoming at 19 for this 28 day trip.

And it obviously, like most Noles people would say, most Noles participants would say, I mean, it transformed me, thank goodness.

and I.

Kept seeing the Tetons from afar once we crossed over the continental divide and I was like, I need to go see that place.

And so I went back and kept participating in college and just kept thinking about out west and being outside.

And so I took a semester off and came to Jackson, intending to only stay for a few weeks cuz I had signed up for a semester course.

But I ended up kind of chickening out.

Hmm.

Still kind of southern bell, but was starting to, you know, get a little rough around the edges, an appropriate amount.

and, you know, I had to go back and finish college, because my parents would've disowned me, um, at the time, and I mean, I would have anyway.

And actually my first job was with the Jackson Hole Conservation Alliance as, an education outreach intern.

Woo.

Good.

Oh, I'm glad that you finished college.

Yeah, we all are.

I mean, you know, and I would go on to get a master's degree after that because that was, you know, the assumed trajectory for me.

you know, but I did it online years later when that became acceptable.

So I, cuz I never wanted to leave.

Mm-hmm.

, I loved the intensity, I loved the extreme of the weather.

and at the time, it was small, Right.

We knew everyone.

And this is hilarious.

I remember all of us at the village that were not ski school at the time, you know, I was lift operations, ops, you know, I, all of us fit into one locker room under the tram.

And I loved that.

I loved the community.

I loved the, the warmth, but also kind of like the cowboy mentality cuz the southern lifestyle, I love it.

I love going back and visiting and it just was not for me.

I understand now you've described that locker room, the size and the community very well.

Can you describe the smell

Oh, yes.

Actually, you know, it's funny.

Reed Finley did an article on me several years ago for the Jackson Hole magazine, because he remembered me from 99 Uhhuh.

I mean, I must have been pretty impressionable.

I mean, I was 20 years old and well, you're like

four foot eight,

of course you stand up four more inches.

I'm five feet.

Oh.

And I just, you know what, I got remeasured this summer Uhhuh, at the Mayo Clinic, and they actually gave me three fourths more of an inch.

So I'm five feet in and free force, but.

So

should everybody go get heart surgery to grow

? Suzanne Boots Knighton: I, I've grown in so many ways.

Okay.

But yes, yes.

Reed and I laughed about how smelly the locker room was.

And at the time they all, we all fit into one locker room, and now there's three, and people are still sharing lockers or just not having a locker at all.

I mean, it's like there were the employee, the number of employees now compared to then, like mm-hmm.

we could have all of our own zip codes, each of their own departments at the village compared to when I first came on the scene in 99.

Well, everything changes.

Yes.

With, with time.

Yes.

Thankfully.

And in some ways right?

It's like, and,

and yeah.

And, and so now I, I'm calling you Suzanne, and you know, now, Most people who meet you now know you as Boots, and that is your given middle name.

Correct.

Tell folks the history behind you having a middle name Boots.

Well, four generations back.

I am named Der Footwear, but the woman I am so honored to be named after, her name, her nickname was Boots, and then she was nicknamed after her grandfather.

so sorry, two generations back.

She was nicknamed after her grandfather who always wore a pair of boots and he even slept in them.

And so they nicknamed him boots and he was apparently such a standup guy and they wanted to continue his name.

So then they nicknamed Boots, Boots, and then now I'm Boots.

And you know, it's interesting, she died at 96 of a heart attack and as she's dying of a heart attack, I mean, this is how amazing this woman was.

As she's dying of a heart attack, she's saying, Oh, I hurt, but I want to thank all of you for being here.

Like, as she's surrounded by medical, per, you know, personnel.

And she was like, she just went into, you know, the next realm, whatever that is, with like so much grace, no fear.

She just was this amazing angel who walked among us.

And for years I did not feel like I was deserving of her name.

That's when I really felt like, you know, I, I feel like this is okay now.

And it was definitely a transition.

None of my family calls me boots.

my husband doesn't call me boots.

You don't, A few others don't, and that's fine, you know, But it's like, for me, I've just transformed so much, in the past few years, and then particularly through this heart surgery, that heart surgeries that, I to be called Suzanne now.

Like, it doesn't bother me, but like, it just doesn't even, it doesn't resonate either.

Hmm.

And like, it's amazing how much, like I'm in awe how much I have transformed mm-hmm.

and I feel like.

Going by, you know, such an honorable name.

is is just my way of expressing my transformation.

If like, people don't have time to like, understand or read or hear about the story, it's like, Hey, I used to be by my first name, but now it's boots.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I think it was, it was like kind of over time.

you know, we all kind of have our own dark nights of the soul, right?

Like, and if you don't, then I don't really think you're paying attention.

You know, like I'm not afraid of suffering and I'm not afraid of feeling.

Less than joyful all the time.

You know, I, like, I look for the lessons, I dive into the discomfort and I'm like, Okay, what is this trying to teach me?

And you know, in all fairness, I don't think a lot of people could say that they have coping skills for, you know, to lose someone so close to them in a violent way.

But I really did it.

And so like I had to like really work at, being able to cope with, first of all her death, you know, But then how she died and.

That's kind of what started the process.

And, you know, I was just saying to my physical therapist the other day, Hayden Hki of p PT and Kilter.

I am so glad that happened.

It was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

and that's probably like a whole separate podcast, , but it, it, to hit your head is such an opportunity.

It's like, it is the most horrendous thing and it hurts.

And, you know, it depends on how hard you hit your head.

But like, I hit my head really hard, and I, within the first month, I, I was able to have enough awareness to think to myself, I have an opportunity here to either be really depressed.

And hate my life and hate, you know, that I can't do anything, or I can just like really dive into the muck and rebuild my life in a really beautiful way.

And so it took a while.

I had to go through a lot of grieving of lost time, lost memory, lost abilities.

I had to relearn how to ski.

I even had to relearn how to put glasses in my cabinet without losing, like I broke so many glasses cuz I couldn't see well enough.

I mean, the whole story is bananas.

But the point is, it's like I either could have let that tear me down and destroy me, or d try to make the most awesome outcome possible from the situation.

Very brave.

. I had some dark days.

Brain injury is not for sissies, you know?

Mm-hmm.

. But yeah, I, like I said, I, I wouldn't change any of it.

Mm-hmm.

, even on my darkest days, I, I would not change any of it.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing.

Mm-hmm.

. And in your, your bio that you wrote for me, you talked about your life changing event and some things that you're doing now, you're now writing.

As well, you're looking for a publisher, is that right?

Yep.

Okay.

And an Agent

. Stephan Abrams: And an Agent

I'll see if I know of anybody.

Yeah.

Anyone listening to this podcast?

Reach out.

Have your people call my

people.

But I know some people that have done self-published as well, and yeah, they liked going that route also, I do know somebody who's written a book and I'll put you in touch with him, and he is from South Carolina and his name is Ed Brer.

And varied your friend, and I think you and Ed would connect quite well together and he might be able to share some, insights for what it was like for him to write a book and going published and having an agent as well.

Cool.

Thank you.

but I, I do want you to share with us.

What your life changing and I don't think it was an event.

It was events.

. Suzanne Boots Knighton: Yeah.

Yeah.

so I still laugh and comfortably when I think about it cuz it's just been so literally epic.

And I had not been feeling well for 24 hours.

the night before actually, we were out on a stroll of Moose Creek and I started to feel crushing chest pain and my left arm was killing me.

I was super nauseous and we were actually out just walking off some stress because I am not kidding on like, almost the same exact day both our moms had been diagnosed with cancer.

And my car engine blew up.

I mean, it was like the red, most ridiculous week we were having.

And, well, people we love were having, and it, we were feeling, you know, fear about our moms.

so we're out, you know, walking and I don't say anything to him now.

I'm a wilderness first responder, and so is he . So, but as I'm walking and I'm feeling all these symptoms, I'm like, this feels like a heart attack.

There's no way.

This is a heart attack.

This has gotta be stress.

And so I don't say anything.

We finish our stroll.

I lay down that night for bed and it kind of goes away.

So I'm like, Yes, just stress.

No big deal.

And so then, the next day we're out in a mountain bike ride and all the symptoms come back, but this time.

Really severe and we're starting to kind of approach the top of the, ride we're on.

And Jason's like, What is wrong with you?

Like, I'm like pushing my bike, you know, I'm white and but sweating and you know, I was like, I think I'm having heart attack symptoms.

He's like, What?

And like, we're almost to the top.

And he, I'm like, But I'm sure it's stress.

And he's like, We need to like go to the hospital.

And I was like, Well, we're almost to the downhill.

Let's go ride the downhill . And I'm like totally talking myself out of this because at the time I was 42 and really in the best shape of my life.

Had really kind of finally put my brain injury behind me.

so I was just like, there's no effing way.

this is happening.

Okay.

So we get home, I, I enjoy the downhill.

We get home.

My arm is still killing me.

It is like the classic female heart attack.

I cook a dinner, I take a shower.

Jason is like, we're call the doctor.

We have a doctor friend we can call.

And he's like, get to the hospital.

So by the time we got to the hospital, they couldn't find the heart attack, thank goodness.

And you know, they're like, But something's up.

You should see a cardiologist.

And so I, I do follow up with a local cardiologist and he's like, You know, this is probably just stress.

And at the time I, we had planned to go up Bo a peak with a couple of friends and I was like, Well, can I go still climb Mount Bora, you know, which is the highest peak in Idaho?

And he's like, Yeah, you'll be fine.

Nice

I am so not listening to my body.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

. And this is what I want to tell people.

Like here I am trained.

I've actually been through two wilderness first responder forces, and I'm educated and I am like telling my body to F off, basically.

Right?

Like, I am gonna ride my bike.

I am gonna go climb this peak.

Okay.

Complete.

So yeah.

So I go climb Bora and I feel.

Just complete poop going up.

Like my hands and feet are tingling, my chest is killing me.

I summit the thing, which is just astonishing.

I didn't die because the congenital defect.

I later find out I have most athletes end up dying from it because they don't listen to the warning signs.

And then they dropped dead of a heart attack.

And I remember on the way up, I'm we're climbing with our friends, Greg and Sue and I, I had to keep laying flat because my feet were swelling so much and my hands were swelling so much.

And remember I did not turn around.

I summit it and he's.

Gosh, Suze, you know, he's like, Why are you, He's like, Don't blow up and have like a coronary honest.

And he did not know what was going on, but he could sense that like I wasn't myself.

And I just kept telling myself on the way up, This is just stress.

This is just stress.

Cuz my mom's cancer, like Jason's mom is great.

She's, she's on the other side and doing great.

Unfortunately my mom has passed on and, AKA died and, I just, you know, her cancer, it was just not good news.

And so here's how I knew I was in deep, deep due due to, on the, the moment we turned around on the summit, started coming back down once, I was not taxing my heart anymore.

All the symptoms went away.

Hmm.

And I was like, I, I am in trouble.

So we get back down.

The hilarious piece is at the time.

Okay, so then I'm worried about my Strava time.

I mean, I, I, I say all this now and I'm like, Who the heck was I back then?

And I was like, ninth fastest of all time up of, for women up Bo peak of women who've been like, you know, using Strava or whatever.

And I was like, Woo.

You know, Strava times they mean something, right?

They like determine who you are as a person.

Hmm.

Of course I don't believe that now, but like, I think about all the people who like really like put their self worth and their Strava mm-hmm.

times and it's just, I didn't know that was a thing.

Oh, I, you know, that's why we're friends.

So anyway, i, Well then maybe I am fine if I'm that fast going up.

I Idaho's tallest peak and then the symptoms really hit and I called the doctor immediately the next day and I'm like, I am, I'm going to die.

And that's when he started like doing all the testing and he first did, He's like, Well, we're gonna start looking for all the things that you know, I'm worried about and you better hope I don't find any of 'em.

He ended up finding all of them.

Oh, wow.

So I had a bicuspid valve, which is, So your aortic valve should have three cusps and when they open and close, only step and can see my fingers right now, but when they open and close it, she would look like a Mercedes sign.

Mm-hmm.

tracing a Mercedes sign.

So mine only had two cusp.

And then, the other, issue was at the time the, cardiac MRI showed that my, all my coronary arteries were hypoplastic, meaning they were too small.

according to that radiologist, I've had other testing since then that has, you know, all, all the cardiologists I've talked to said, you know, actually given my size, that's okay.

but, you know, it was like scary when I first heard that.

And then the other big thing was myocardial bridging.

And I was like, What is that?

And it's where your coronary arteries can get trapped in your heart muscle while you're forming a utero.

And so, we don't want any, think about it.

Like you don't want any of your coronary arteries getting squeezed with every heartbeat.

Cause what that does is it cuts off the blood flow to the heart, into the body.

And my main artery, the l a d, which a lot of people refer to as like the widow maker artery, it was tunneled and it actually had tunneled all the way into the, to the ventricle.

And for quite a distance it was over a couple of inches.

and then, excuse me, nine inches, centimeters.

And then the same for the artery that goes to the back of the heart, the lcx.

And so a significant amount of my arteries were being squeezed.

And so what happens, what I've learned with myocardial bridging is eventually, The arteries just give out.

And so, that's what happened with me.

My arteries were giving out and you know, I, I had like, the only way to fix this, it's an anatomical problem.

Like there's just not a medication to fix it.

there's not, like, you can't do a bypass, you can't put in stents.

Like you actually have to cut into the heart muscle.

And it's called un roofing, where you pull the arteries out of the heart muscle, and just lay them on top.

So there's like 12 surgeons in the United States now who like, are comfortable doing the surgery, or at least that was my last count around my surgery time.

My, open heart surgery time.

So, That was a lot to learn.

You know, It was like, here I am 42.

I thought that my brain injury was behind me.

You know, like I said, I was like doing so well.

But like when I looked back, actually I'd started to get more breathless.

I remember a, a mountain bike ride I tried to do with girlfriends at Mill Creek, a couple of weeks prior to the heart attack event.

Mm-hmm.

and I threw up like within the first five minutes of writing and I had to just go home.

I, and I was like, What is going on with me?

And I kept brain blaming my brain.

My poor brain got blamed for so much that it didn't deserve to get blamed for.

Yeah.

Because the other thing that happened, I passed out a few times.

I even passed out on the Marmon lift, this Mar Marmon ski lift.

Mm-hmm.

by myself.

I was, I was riding by myself.

Thank God I had the bar down.

And you know, I remember I had been skiing really hard with two girlfriends in the morning and started to feel funny.

This was a few months prior, obviously, in the winter.

And I was like, you know, I'm gonna ride by myself.

I just need some quiet time.

Get on the chair and I pass right out.

Wake up, didn't know where I was.

I didn't understand what I was doing on, you know, a chair in the sky.

Like it was crazy.

And like, come to find out, that was a warning sign.

Mm.

And I'm just so glad I didn't fall to my death.

. Yeah.

but like if you look up Mycardial bridging and athletes, I mean, people are dying from this or they're having extreme symptoms like I did, and their only way of moving forward was to have an open heart surgery.

But the real fun part about all this was, this all happened during.

And remember, two moms have cancer and I need a new car.

and, and I laugh.

I, you know what, I, I laugh about this sometimes still, and I call it emotional farting because it's like, it is so, like nothing about this is funny.

And like, it was just so, it was so hard and stressful and lonely because people, we didn't have the vaccine, you know, we still didn't understand, you know, the virus very well.

So everyone was like, Get away.

Oh my God, you sneeze.

You know, like, and so it was like, okay, I have to do all this alone.

And I couldn't go see my mom.

We didn't have the best relationship anyway, but like, you know, it was just like still your mom.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, it was, it just sucked.

And so I find now that like, sometimes I just have to laugh and it's just like, I'm still kind of releasing the, the horrible energy of it.

So I just call it emotional farting.

Mm-hmm.

. So,

Whoa, that.

Yeah.

That's, that's a lot.

Suzanne.

I, I, I gotta take a break.

There's a lot to digest right here.

And we're gonna get a word from one of our sponsors and we're gonna come back.

welcome back, Suzanne.

We're talking about emotional parting

Glad that's catching

on.

And, and I, I get what you're saying, even though everything that you experienced were living emotionally, psychologically, physically, it is really serious.

, but I understand why you want to laugh as well, is one, it's a relief, I would imagine.

Mm-hmm.

, but then two, you just can't Keep it all inside.

You gotta let it out somehow.

Mm-hmm.

and I'm, I know there's been the tears.

I know there's been plenty of tears.

No, no tears.

Not really.

Okay.

You know, that's, that's an interesting, thought you would think so, or assumption.

Mm-hmm.

, you know, it, I just got to a point where Jason and I were actually just talking about this a couple of nights ago.

cuz I just had my eighth surgery three days ago.

So you didn't have one open heart surgery.

I had one open heart surgery.

I've had complications since then, and then I've had other procedures, which I'll briefly explain in a minute.

I'm fine.

Really, it was no big deal.

I even drove myself to the hospital.

I didn't have anesthesia.

It was like when you hit number eight, it's like, let's just do this.

Right.

I have medical anxiety though.

, I definitely have medical anxiety, but at the same time I just put my big girl pants on and I deal, and I think that's what I did this whole time.

It's like when things just get that difficult, I, I just didn't have the, bandwidth, or the energy to really respond in the way that you think I would have.

You know, I mean, I can't, you know, we, we don't know war here thankfully, you know, but like we were in a war, in a visible war with a virus, Right.

Which, you know, people had, you know, I remember people saying, I'm so worried about you getting covid and blah, blah, blah.

And you know what's interesting?

I didn't give it a whole lot of thought.

And it's not that I was like, you know, there's not a virus or, you know, all, you know, all that early red rhetoric that we heard, I just didn't have the bandwidth.

I was like, I cannot even talk about Covid right now.

You know?

And it wasn't like I went out and like kissed everyone on the mouth and like, you know, I was careful, but like, I just didn't worry about it, you know, because there were literally bigger things in front of me.

I felt like I was dying most of the time.

And I was almost out of time.

Like my, the middle of my heart was not getting enough blood supply and I couldn't even wash my dishes.

And my mom had rectal cancer in South Carolina.

You know, it was like things were not okay, . And the craziest part was I had to, like, the amount of advocacy a person has to do for such a rare congenital heart defect is really ridiculous.

And, you know, I, I ended up having to do my own research of all things.

Facebook helped.

I typed in myocardial bridge support group in Facebook and found that there was one, and that's where I learned that Stanford was the place to go.

So I called them.

I had all my records sent.

Even though a cardiologist would, you know, was saying it's not appropriate.

I sent them anyway, and Stanford was like, You absolutely need to have UN roofing surgery.

Mm-hmm.

, But here's the kicker, They didn't let me know.

Okay.

I didn't get word from Stanford until towards the end of September that they would help me and they couldn't get me in until mid-December.

So I had to wait until December.

I, by then, I couldn't work.

I couldn't cook, I couldn't clean the house, I couldn't walk my driveway.

I had to sit until December until I could get help.

And so I sat.

And I was like, I learned to watercolor.

I think of my friend Reva, who gave me a set of water watercolor paints.

I taught myself that I journaled and I also just made friends with boredom and stillness.

And I, I worked a lot with my therapist, on, you know, we did a lot of emdr, which I so recommend, for, you know, prepping for open heart surgery.

I did a lot of visualization of the surgery and of just traveling to Stanford, which is, you know, out in California.

And, it was, it was unreal.

It really was.

To just be stopped so dead in my tracks and to have, my whole identity ripped apart because the brain injury did that.

You know?

And then I got knit back together.

And then, this heart situation to think I was born okay.

And oh no, I'm not okay.

Oh, and there's more than one thing wrong.

We can only fix this one thing.

And then, you know, this other thing, the bicuspid valve, you're gonna have to keep watching for that too.

It was just like so much, Oh, and your mom has rectal cancer.

It was like, you know, I had no choice but to like evolve and to lean in to the discomfort and to just continue to, to like learn new ways to cope.

. And so we got to Stanford.

Of course, I'm like in a wheelchair.

By then, Jason's like pushing me through, you know, the airports in a wheelchair.

We arrive in this San Francisco airport, which was like bananas for us.

And we go through all the testing and they're like, You, this is a very severe myocardial bridge.

Like, no wonder you feel so bad.

And you know, surgery is scheduled for next week, but we're not sure you can do it because we're running outta ICU beds because of Covid.

And so here I've had this carrot dangled in front of me of like, I'm, my life is gonna be saved.

We're flying to Stanford.

You know, I was gonna have to be there for three weeks.

It was like such a process.

And then my surgery got canceled last minute because of co covid and all their ICU beds were full.

So I had to fly back home.

With no surgery date.

I was so outta hope.

And I get on Facebook while we're on our way to the airport in the cab, and I type into the myocardial bridge support group site.

You know what had happened, You know, I'm not, I wasn't sure I was gonna survive because they're like, maybe March, maybe April.

And I was like, I won't live.

Like, there's just no way.

Like my heart was like done.

And you know, at the time when I was at Stanford, they did a heart cath on me, which is where they go through your wrist and they test the heart and they on purpose, stressed my heart.

To see how much, of the, like as the heartbeat, how much of the l a d and the lcx were squeezed.

And almost a hundred percent of the blood supply was being cut off with every, when my heart was stressed.

Mm.

Which explains why even just the simple act of washing my dishes was just not even possible anymore.

Mm-hmm.

. And so, I, I type into the Facebook support group help.

I need a surgeon.

Does anyone know of anyone who would be willing to do it soon?

And by God if there wasn't someone down in Salt Lake at Intermountain hiding in plain sight this whole time who had trained at Mayo.

And so I call like, all this happens on Facebook, which is just amazing when you think about it.

Mm-hmm.

while I'm in a, a cab to the airport.

And

good part about

Facebook.

Exactly.

It can be a tool, Right.

Like it can be a very helpful tool.

Mm-hmm.

and so, I get the phone number, like this woman who's now my heart buddy, we're like buddies now.

She messages me, says, Call this guy.

I just had surgery five days ago.

I mean, I cannot believe my fortune, my good fortune.

And so, I call the office and they're like, We're so sorry to hear this.

We'll call Stanford right now and get the records transferred by the, I had a direct, we had a direct flight from San, from San Francisco to Jackson.

By the time I landed in Jackson, all the records had been transferred.

The surgeon had reviewed everything and had set up, a phone call for January the fifth.

and then I had surgery January 15th for un roofing of the myocardio bridging

It's quick and the, And the sche of things.

And the schema things.

Yeah.

When you look at, Yeah.

How long you had been waiting.

Mm-hmm.

. Suzanne Boots Knighton: Yeah.

But you know, that experience, you know, and then my mom would die nine weeks later after my open heart surgery.

Hmm.

I'm sorry.

You know, it was, it was just a time.

Right.

And it's like, we have two choices in, in a situation like that.

You know, we can be victims or we can be like, okay, like I'm gonna allow this to shift my perspective.

And I was listening to this other woman this morning talking about like, you know, you hold a kaleidoscope up to your eyes and it has all these beautiful colors, but if you rotate it a little bit, it changes.

And that's what I feel like this whole experience has done for me.

That's when the kaleidoscope started to shift.

And I was kind of slow at first on like, you know, leaning into this evolution of self.

And then when my, when I hit my head, like actually my vision did literally change.

And, and then also reshaped how I saw the world.

But then to literally have my chest cut open, my heart cut into, and I remember, you know, I went in in a wheelchair and after my surgery, after I got over, my recovery in the ICU was pretty brutal.

but once I got over the first 24 hours, you know, when it was time to move to my PCU room, I walked.

Wow.

And I remember how I was, I said to Jason and the doctors and the nurses, I said, I remember, I was like, I have a whole new lease on life.

I'm not gonna die anymore.

I'm gonna live.

That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

So you walked, you knew at that point you're gonna live, and now you have gone through this.

Long journey and, and you said it so well, you became bud's, friends with stillness and boredom and courage and, and courage.

Mm-hmm.

. And so what brings you joy now, Suzanne?

so much.

the moments, I'm not in pain.

so real quickly, you know, I, I would need another surgery.

It wasn't on my heart.

My heart was doing great.

but when, after when you have open heart surgery, the way to like cast the chest is to actually.

Basically wrap or push wires through your sternum, through your ribcage.

And so I had seven wires and it took a long time for the swelling to go down.

but by June, the wires were pushing through my starting to push through my skin, and usually people keep the wires in for the rest of their life.

That's the hope.

But I, I'm just too petite, and too sensitive, to have that much, to have wires poking through my skin.

So I'd have a wire removal surgery, which was pretty intense, because the bone had already adhered to the wires.

And so my recovery from that was a little rough.

And then for the rest of that summer, by then I was pretty deeply grieving my mom's death.

but I was also having a lot of physical pain.

And I fi, I checked in with my surgeon in August.

He's like, We should do another CT scan.

And to our dismay, he had left a wire behind.

It had broken off in my sternum.

And not only that, the top of my breast bone had not knit together correctly.

So I had something called a non-union.

So I needed a titanium plate.

So I had to have a third surgery.

And I will tell you, you know, dealing with a medical professional who has made a mistake, taught me a lot.

And you asked what brings me joy and.

I, I think what brings me joy is assuming the best, like making the active choice in assuming the best of others and looking for the good in others, and looking for the magic in the world and the joy in the world.

Because the most amazing thing happened with my surgeon, who I would recommend 10 times over, even though he left a wire behind, like he handled it with such grace and care.

There was no ego.

And it's because I didn't run it.

Like, I didn't call him yelling.

I, I, I just said, you know, let's figure this out.

You know, like, I'm not firing you.

You, you made a mistake.

You know?

And he's like, Wow, you're not gonna sue me.

And no, like, like we, you know, that's the biggest thing.

It's like we have a choice every time we interact with someone or you know, our thinking.

It's like we could either go in assuming the worst, like I could have sued him.

I actually, I, and I probably would've won money, you know, like, but who cares?

Because the thing is like, if I had gone that route, it would not have helped my healing.

It would've affected how he did his surgeries.

And I chose the higher road.

And you know what?

We still keep in touch.

And yes, the third surgery was free , as was the hotel.

and that was what he wanted to do for me.

And, and it was great.

And so what brings me joy now is like, first of all, I know I can do hard things.

That like the hardest things in life don't have to be that bad.

When Jason and I walked away from the hospital, from my open heart surgery, we actually both looked at each other at the same time and said That actually really wasn't that bad.

And it actually really wasn't.

Now what I choose to do it again, well, my bicuspid valve, I may have to have another open heart surgery, but nothing scheduled is looking great right now.

But we have a choice in how much energy we give something and what we assume about it.

You know, I was thinking earlier today, I.

Picking up my dog's poop.

I've got two cattle dogs and they're the joy of our lives.

And I was out in the yard actually looking for their poop.

And I was thinking, you know, like, Oh, it's just so gra, you know, satisfying to like go around, pick up their poop, throw it in the woods, and, and how happy I am to have them in my life.

You know, I wasn't like, ah, I have to pick up their poop.

It's so smelly and gross.

It's like, no, this is, sure it's smelly, but like, I'm so thankful for my dogs.

They get, bring me so much joy.

And I was like, looking for their poop.

But I was thinking, you know, people go out and they look for the bad things and they're gonna find the bad things, or they're gonna go look for the good things and you're probably gonna find the good things, right?

So like, I went to Facebook, I need a surgeon.

I went to social media , which you know, has habital and all kinds of horrible things.

But I had a purpose, I had an intent, and I got it.

And my life was saved.

I'm very grateful for that.

Me too.

I don't think people realize how powerful we are as humans.

Like we create our lives and we can either create poopy, crappy lives mm-hmm.

, you know, full of heart attacks and bad things, or we can like, make the most of something and create amazing lives.

So true.

And that's what I'm about now.

You know, it's like, and that's what I wanna help people about through my writing.

and, you know, doing things like this, Like I, I would love to do more podcasts.

You know, like there's just so much amazing stuff to talk about.

There's so many cool things happening, you know, but yet people are just looking for the poop.

Mm-hmm.

. Stephan Abrams: Yeah.

So true.

Suzanne, we could do a few volumes of interviews with you and, and talk.

I know you and I, have always been good conversationalists around each other.

And, I think what you, I know that what you have shared today, there's gonna be people that want to connect with you just to be inspired by you and energized.

how can they best connect with Boots Night and.

you're welcome to email me, Boots in Sea State as a North Carolina State Gmail, Go Wolf Pack, Instagram boots dot night 10.

those are probably the best two ways, and I, I would love to help others.

You know, like you don't have to go through a hard medical thing alone.

And I think that's the biggest trap any of us could fall into.

And, you know, that, you know, I was in originally and it didn't help.

it only like exacerbated my suffering.

someone has likely gone through something before you who has wisdom, lean on them.

I think the biggest thing is you have to be, be willing to ask for help.

You have to be vulnerable.

I'm, I'm gonna end on that one piece and, and I so appreciate you sharing that, sharing it and what that piece is.

You have to be vulnerable.

Mm-hmm.

. And when we as individuals, when we as people can strip away the bravado and realize that to be vulnerable means that we're human, our lives are gonna be so different.

Yep.

In, in a better way,

in a more meaningful way.

So meaningful.

Mm-hmm.

, without a doubt you said it.

But a wonderful way to end this conversation today, Suzanne.

I'm making a promise to you on this podcast that it will not be several years before you and I connect and see each other and talk to each other again.

I will not.

I love you, Stephan.

I love you.

It is the joy of my life to have friends like you.

Hmm.

And I just wish that more people, I hope that more people have friends like you and that they have friendships like we have together.

Thank you, Suzanne, for your time, and thank you for your, for your life, and thanks being here to continue inspiring others.

Yeah.

Y'all have a good weekend.

Thanks, Stephan.

Thank you.

Bye.

To learn more about Suzanne Boots Knighton, and her journey about suffering, being bored, finding courage, being joyful, living a joyful life, check out the Jackson Hole connection.com, episode number 209.

That's right, 209 episodes.

Thank you to so many people's support for keeping this podcast going, but also thank you to Suzanne for sharing her heart and sharing her story.

It's friends like Suzanne that keep me doing this podcast every week, and it's knowing that people are listening is why I do this podcast.

I appreciate you sharing your time with me.